Most people go to work they cannot stand to fund a life they don’t love. Friction with people who think and behave differently drive them crazy and friction with themselves drains them to the point where they would rather be distracted by anything than take responsibility for their own growth.
How many times have you felt while talking to someone that they had no common sense at all? They just didn’t get you? I am pretty sure it has happened many times, maybe even on a daily basis if you cannot choose the people you want to interact with. It is normal. Have you ever thought about the possibility that they felt the same way about you, but for a different reason?
Demanding and expecting common sense is rather naïve and selfish. Do you think it is fair if somebody labels you as a person without common sense just because you had a different perspective or conclusion? It would not feel right, would it? Then why do we do that to others? Why do we think that our way of thinking makes sense and others’ don’t?
People have very different values, psychological needs, experiences, knowledge and beliefs which give them a wide spectrum of perspectives. There is a wide range of common senses, not only ours.
Uncommon Mindset is about helping people get along with themselves and others so they can replace the illusion of superiority and separation with the power of curiosity and synergy. The more they understand themselves and the ones around them, the more energy and clarity they have to create what they want instead of fighting what they don’t.
Lack of information is not the real challenge in a world where we can Google any questions. We don’t even have to type anymore, we can simply ask our phones.
Just like Google, our mind work in a similar way. It finds the answer to the questions we ask, it finds the information about the topics we care about.
So what kind of questions do we ask? What are we looking for exactly?
Do we hang out with people who agree with us so we can hate and judge the ones who disagree with us?
Do we ask empowering questions to evaluate situations or disempowering ones to criticise something without being able to offer a better alternative?
Mindset is a fascinating topic however no tool or solution are useful unless people realise what is the benefit of using them and the cost of ignoring them.
There are a lot of outdated and incomplete ideas floating around. They often cause more harm than good so let’s look into some of those concepts to clarify them.
“I am not biased at all, you are!”
Cultural differences are simply the clashes of common senses, nothing more. We are all biased. That is normal. As long as we have any preferences, needs and values, we have biases, too. They exist for a reason, they are mental shortcuts that keep us efficient. The goal is not to get rid of them, but to get to know and update them so they serve us instead of holding us back or others.
The real question is not if you are biased, but how big is the gap between your biases and mine.
They can help us survive, in other cases, they cause a lot of issues.
The delicate combination of some specific biases such as negativity, superhero, confirmation, herd mentality and the Dunning-Kruger Effect creates a toxic cocktail that allows people jump to conclusions and lash out on others.
One of those typical examples is the attack on Coke while believing that the so-called healthy drinks with more sugar content are good for us. More vitamins, though? Really? That is like saying somebody is a vegetarian just because they had a salad with a double cheeseburger and fries.
Criticising and attacking others without knowing the facts and offering solutions should not be a new badge of honour. It is not.
It creates noise, not awareness.
It divides people, it doesn’t unite them.
The world is too small for Us and Them.
Everybody is looking for certainty in an extremely uncertain environment so hanging onto labels, movements, groups gives them the illusion of safety and belonging, but not the solution. You cannot have enough of something that almost works.
There is no aggression without fear so that is what we need to address. But what is the opposite of fear? However you name it, fear of each other is usually rooted in a lack of understanding about each other. When people know each other as people and not Them, fear tends to subside.
“Inclusion is when I am not just invited to a party, but I am asked to dance!”
As nice as it sounds, there is a missing step most people struggle with, yet, it is hardly addressed if at all. Self-inclusion. If somebody has low self-esteem, they are not comfortable in their own skin, they cannot really accept themselves, it is highly unlikely that they would say yes to an invitation to a party or dance, and most certainly they would not dance like nobody is watching. Self-inclusion is the foundation, getting to know ourselves and learning how to embrace who we are. If that is missing, it is hard to be inclusive towards others or the opposite of that happens, overcompensation to top up self-esteem with others liking and needing us. Neither of those options is sustainable…
“I am right. I know the truth.”
There are so many enlightened conspiracy theorists and champions of justice recently who warn everyone against Bill Gates, Facebook, YouTube, masks, etc.
The irony is that they are using products that would not exist without Bill Gates, they are watching random videos on YouTube and they keep publishing lame memes on social media pretending they know the truth even if they have the same kind of tunnel vision as everyone else who really believes in something.
Most people fiercely protect the tiny fraction of reality they choose to believe and see, while they vehemently bash all other perspectives.
If those principles were that strong, surely they would refuse to use all those platforms and solutions, but then nobody would know about them, indeed, they would not even know about each other.
We know one thing for sure. We don’t know the truth, but we are likely to be right from our perspective. The more we are willing to listen to others’ point of view, the more complete picture we can see.
Usually when somebody says “yes, that is so true” usually it means “yes, I like that version of reality”.
Imagine if we could enter into a conversation with the intention of learning and wanting a solution instead of being desperate for being right?
Interesting times.
Uncommon Mindset is about seeing the same situation from different perspectives so we can make better decisions and we can choose to respond instead of just reacting.
Despite all the personal and professional challenges, complexities, differences and opportunities we face as groups and individuals, we have an opportunity to find ways to level up together.
We can also be defined by the vision of a future where people know who they are, what they stand for and even like themselves so they do not need to bully anyone to feel important or hide to feel safe. How about trying to truly appreciate what we have while striving for being and doing better?
Feel free to connect here or read more in the Uncommon Mindset in Unusual Times book.
Csaba Toth
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